Why I Choose to Wear Pants

Disclaimer: Wearing pants is my own personal choice.  I don’t wish to impose my lifestyle on those around me.  This is me and it’s who I am!
    Many people have never asked me why I wear pants.  Is it because if I didn’t, people would think lustful thoughts after me?  Probably not.  Actually, most definitely not.  I got enough objections sporting bike shorts over the summer for some reason (please see previous post).  The reason I wear pants wasn’t a recent decision I made; in fact, that choice stems back many years ago.
  When you’re a baby, everyone thinks it’s just the cutest thing to see a naked baby and play with the rolls on your legs.  Unless you’re one of those parents that buys miniature suits and Nikes for their baby (which I think is almost as bad as people who dress up their pets.  Dogs aren’t meant to wear booties and sweaters!))  The cute, naked phase continues for the next few years.  Like when neighbors think it’s adorable when the naked kid from next door shows up unannounced (Awww!). 
    It’s once you reach elementary school age that people start giving you queer looks when you walk around in the buck (exceptions for this include children in third-world countries, who can push 11 or 12).  That’s the point when your parents sit you down to have the talk.  You know, the one that explains why public nudity is unacceptable (at least in our area).  You know that talk, right?  You may have heard it differently, but the gist is the same. 
Me wearing pants, while riding a horse, while throwing a javelin 
    Pants started to grow on me throughout the years.  I gained a sense of their necessity at such times such as that adolescent “pantsing” phase in Jr. High, trying to turn them into a flotation device in the public pool for the swimming merit badge (absolutely useless), and having them rip right off while performing dance moves similar to jumping jacks for a bunch of kids.  These experiences have helped to develop me.  I suppose I also live in fear that if I went on campus without pants, I run the risk of someone (not even gender specific) hand me a note quietly that explains how uncomfortable I am making them feel due to my lack of Bermudas.  Oddly enough that only happens with women here at BYU, something about skirts and leggings.  But no one ever gets after those dang male hipsters (not to be confused with male strippers) for wearing their fashionably short cut-offs.  I affectionately refer to them as Ne-hors (anyone get that reference).
  The final straw came two weeks ago while I was bowling among friends.  I had just broken 100 and was feeling pretty good (whether that was on my 9th frame or not is irrelevant).  The 10th frame I was walking back down to my seat and felt a slight draft down below.  I realized my pants had split right down the middle.  COME ON!! Bowling isn’t even a strenuous sport.  We played one more game and I realized the draft was throwing off my game terribly, I ended with a score less than 50.  I realized that pants are not only essential to a good game of bowling, but in life.  You can’t get a good job if you’re not wearing pants.  Common sense.
Me wearing shorts, another version of pants
The reason I wear pants is a personal one; it is different for each person.  Not everyone will agree with me, but let me know what your stance is!

Why you should date a cyclist!

     As I grow up and I come to the realization that I need to change my lifestyle and find healthy alternatives to indulging myself in the joy that is food.  I recently got into cycling last year and found it to be a much better alternative than running for exercise.  Think about it, you can go faster, farther and look cooler wearing those tight pants.  After coming across an article featured on eharmony.com (I don’t use it, I swear), I couldn’t help but feel that it rang true.  So even though this post may seem self serving, it’s enjoyable nonetheless.

1.  Two words: bicycle shorts.

2.  It’s science: Cyclists are hot. A recent study found that cyclists who excelled in the Tour de France are perceived as more attractive than other athletes — and that the top 10 percent of cyclists “is about 25 percent more attractive than the lowest 10 percent.” Maybe fast is the new rich?

3. Cyclists are smart. According to a recent Mindlab survey, most people view cyclists as 13 percent more intelligent than the average person.
4. Cyclists are good. According to the same survey, cyclists are generally viewed as 10 percent more charitable than non-cyclists.
5. Your date will be around for a while. Pro cyclists live, on average, 6.3 more years than non-cyclists. (Um, as long as they don’t get hit by a car.)
6. Cyclists are handy. After years of honing bike-maintenance skills, your date will be up for fixing things around the house, too.
7. The great outdoors. If you’re sick of dating indoor cats, date a cyclist. You’ll get reacquainted with nature. And maybe even travel a little more.
8. Cyclists are committed — and don’t accept defeat. Hopefully this extends to their pursuit of relationship success, too.
9. No lazy bums here, just toned ones. Cyclists are disciplined, often rigorously so, and will withstand the elements to get their rides in.
10. Cyclists are constantly setting goals for themselves. If you want a forward-thinking date, look no further.
11. Cyclists have great near-death-experience stories to share, which is also why they’re also sticklers about safety.
12. You can start cycling, too! Your date will be thrilled to share his/her enthusiasm for the sport. In fact, the whole family can join in, should the two of you eventually procreate.
13. Cyclists don’t call in sick. According to a 2013 survey by the National Cycle Network, cyclists take half the number of sick days as their public transportation-riding colleagues.
14. Think your date’s obsession with the open road is a little over-the-top? He’s saner than you think. Studies have shown that vigorous exercise like cycling can boost concentration and memory while reducing stress and anxiety. The bike is good for his brain.
15. Love the planet? Cycling is as green as it gets.

My Body Won’t Let Me Keep Eating

Growing up, I had the covetous characteristic of having an extremely fast metabolism.  When I was young, I recognized only that this made me extremely skinny.  Most adults must have thought that it was OK to be blunt with kids because I would constantly hear phrases like “My, you’re skinny! Take an extra pudding,” “Don’t your parents feed you?,” and “Whoa! Watch out where you put those boats (in response to my pediatrician tripping over my shoes (I was probably the only 12 year old to have shoes the same size as his age)) (on an unrelated note, I didn’t realize you outgrew a pediatrician until watching that episode of Friends).”
            As a teenager, I would unknowingly use this skill to indulge myself in the wonderful world of food.  While traveling back east we stopped at Denny’s which happened to serve a 6 lb. hamburger.  I regret that I did not eat the whole thing, but instead split it with two friends.  But STILL, two pounds is still admirable right? 

            Did you ever watch the film Matilda and wish that the chocolate cake that Bruce Bogtrotter victoriously finishes was real?  Well look no farther because you can find it right at your local Costco, better known as the All American Chocolate Cake: 7 ½ pounds of rich, chocolaty goodness, or so we thought when we bought it at the age of 17 and thought to eat it in one sitting.  2 gallons of milk and watching the whole Star Wars prequel trilogy later, we finished that cake.  Did we feel accomplished? Yes.  Did we feel absolutely terrible inside? Absolutely.  But it was one of those things that “hurts so good!”  Needless to say, there is no way we could do the same thing.  We’d be better off taking a syringe of lard directly to the thigh.
            As I’ve grown up, I realized that I hit my peak performance as a teenager (going to the Philippines, getting worms and dengue, and losing 30 lbs. didn’t help).  Some people measure performance in terms of “athleticism” and “fitness.”  I say it’s up for interpretation.  I can still eat a lot, except now, I sometimes experience “eater’s remorse (it’s a thing).  You’ll understand if you’ve ever eaten at Beto’s.  My mother’s words to me as a child are starting to become clearer: “You’ll regret this when you’re older.”
            I’m still skinny and lanky (as the lunch ladies used to say), but at least now people don’t mistake my ribs for abs (unfortunately).  I actually have to prepare myself before big eats.  But if you ever want to do the following local challenges with me (perhaps even split one), please let me know.
5 lb. burrito at Brassas Mexican Grill
3 lb. Burger (w/ 1 lb. fries) at Fuddruckers on Fat Thursday
The Filthy Forty at Buffalo Wild Wings
The Kitchen Sink at Angie’s in Logan
5 lb. Calzone at The Pomaroy
29 in. Pizza at the Brick Oven
Also, if it’s your birthday, did you know you can pretty much get a free month of food by hitting up enough restaraunts (and having enough friends willing to go with you to get the BOGO deals)?  Here are a few:
BOGO at Tucahnos (Go right before their dinner menu starts to get the lunch price and dinner foods)
BOGO at Benihana’s Japanese Grill
Free Burger at Red Robin
Free Ice at Rita’s
Free Grand Slam at Denny’s (Day of Only)
Free Shake at Del Taco
Free Firehouse Sub
Free Ice Cream at Coldstone
BOGO at Dickey’s BBQ
Free meal at IHOP

Most places do desserts and appetizers but please, go big or go home.