Realistic New Year’s Resolutions

It’s that time of year when we make the same resolutions as last year and ultimately set ourselves up to fail once more!  You’ve had 11 months to think about where you went wrong last year and how to become the new, best self you’ve never been.

Start with the excuses you made last year:

  • “I wanted to go to the gym, but didn’t have any cute outfits to wear.”
  • “Eating healthy was a top priority for me, but kale is disgusting and I don’t know how to pronounce quinoa.”
  • “I wanted to be in a serious relationship, but a great personality only gets me so far.”
  • “This year, I planned on using my time effectively, but Netflix.”
  • “I almost began a juice cleanse, but then I came to my senses.”
  • “I was going to travel the world, but then I saw my computer’s screensavers and was content.”

These are all valid excuses.  It’s important to take them into account before making the same resolutions again and how to remedy the problem.  Maybe you need your friend to change their Netflix password so you can’t access it anymore. Throwing your computer out the window would solve your traveling problem (and create others, but that’s not important).  It’s pronounced “keen-wah,” as in “I’m not keen of that food.  As for your great personality, I can’t help you with that.

Everyone has always heard of the SMART method of making goals.  They should be Specific, Measurable, Achievable, Realistic, and Timely.  Obviously no one applies this while making resolutions since they ultimately fail.  I would like to focus on making realistic and achievable goals.  If you want to meet your goals, then simply lower your expectations!  Here are a few suggestions:

Binge watch an entire new series

I’m not talking about rewatching The Office or How I Met Your Mother.  New Year, New You right?  Get hooked on a new show you can put off more important things for and can talk to your friends about.  If you really want to push yourself this year, Law and Order: SVU has 17 seasons to lose yourself in.  For more ambitious people, Sesame Street has 46 seasons and 4,378 episodes!  With its move from public televison to HBO, there may be a grittier feel to it.  Educational!

Be fat and lazy

Traditionally, this is the culmination of most New Year’s resolution.  If most resolutions are broke, then why not give this a try?

Stop hanging out with people who ask about your New Year’s resolutions.

Isn’t that why you make them in the first place?

Look for loopholes

Taking a note from Ron Swanson: “Never half-ass two things, whole-ass one thing.”  If you already know you won’t set realistic expectations for yourself, try justifying your actions.  For example, there are now more overweight people in America than average-weight people.  So overweight people are now average.  Which means you’ve met your New Year’s resolution.  Congratulations.

I would say happy New Year, but it’s not happy; it’s exactly the same as last year except colder.  The best resolution you can make is to stop lying to yourself every year about making lifestyle changes.

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